Are We Doomed to Become Grumpy as We Get Older?

Grumpy Old Men. Do you remember this movie? Featuring Jack Lemmon, Walter Matthau, and Ann-Margret, Grumpy Old Men depicts the disruption of life when an available woman moves across the street from two older, single men who have a lifelong feud. Grumpy Old Men dramatizes a common assumption about growing older: older people—especially older men—tend to be grumpy. Though some manage to escape this fate, most older adults are unhappy curmudgeons.

No doubt there is some truth in this stereotype. There are plenty of unhappy curmudgeons among the millions of older adults in our world. I’ve met some of them. (Actually, I am one of them sometimes!) I remember a conversation I had with a man I’ll call Carl. He was a member of the church of which I was the new pastor. When he invited me to lunch, I gladly accepted his invitation thinking this was a gesture of hospitality from a friendly church member.

But, in fact, Carl, who was well into the third third of life, wanted to meet with me mainly to complain. He had gripes against almost everything in life, including his new pastor . . . namely, me. If you were to look up “grumpy old man” in a dictionary, you might find a photo of Carl.

Are we all on the road to becoming Carl? Or Carla, if you’re a woman? Is a helpless descent into grumpiness inevitable? If not, what might we do to stop sliding down the slippery slope into curmudgeonliness?

Is a helpless descent into grumpiness inevitable?

Reasons for the Grumpiness of Older People

If you wonder why older people might seem to be grumpier than younger people, consider the losses that come with aging. These can include health, strength, freedom, influence, financial security, mobility, death of spouse and/or friends, moving away from home, meaningful work, and relationships. Such losses, especially when piled up upon each other, can lead to grumpiness.

That’s how it was for my grandmother. For 86 years she was one of the most upbeat, happy, and positive people I ever knew . . . until the last three years of her life. During that period, she was consistently grumpy. Why? Because her husband (my grandfather) had recently died, her health was failing, her driver’s license had been taken away against her will, her long life of leadership in the church and community was over, and she felt lonely because most of her friends had already gone to be with the Lord. Moreover, she needed to have someone living in her home to take care of her and this felt invasive and demeaning. All of this turned my grandmother from one who was always upbeat to someone who was exceptionally and, in my opinion, understandably grumpy.

Yet the stereotype focuses on Grumpy Old Men, not women. Older men might be grumpier than older women because of hormonal issues in addition to the losses that come with aging. In 2004, psychotherapist Jed Diamond published The Irritable Male Syndrome: Managing the Four Key Causes of Depression and Aggression, in which he argued that male irritability has a hormonal cause. Though not all scholars have endorsed “the irritable male syndrome,” many have studied how the decrease of testosterone in older men might lead to depression. Depression can be quite devastating, causing more than grumpiness. For example, the suicide rate among men 75 and older is far higher than for any other group in the U.S. The prevalence of depression among older men helps to account for this troubling statistic.

Surprisingly, Older Adults are Actually Happier

Given the widespread acceptance of the “Grumpy Old Man” stereotype, we might be inclined to believe that, for the most part, older people are less happy than younger people. But this, it turns out, is far from the truth. The 2022 Second Half of Life Study, done by AARP and National Geographic, found that “Happiness grows with age, with a significant spike in the 70s and 80s.” For example, whereas 16% of people 40-49 say they are “very happy” and 20% say they are “not too happy,” 34% of those over 80 say they are “very happy” while only 10% say they are “not too happy.”

Laura Carstensen, director of the Stanford Center on Longevity, gave a TED talk called “Older people are happier.” In her talk, she explained:

[T]he more we learn about aging, the clearer it becomes that a sweeping downward course is grossly inaccurate. Aging brings some rather remarkable improvements—increased knowledge, expertise—and emotional aspects of life improve. That’s right, older people are happy. They’re happier than middle-aged people, and younger people, certainly. . . . And other research has shown that older people seem to engage with sadness more comfortably. They’re more accepting of sadness than younger people are.”

The fact that, in general, older adults are happier in no way means we should ignore those who are unhappy, especially if they’re struggling with depression, loneliness, disease, and other painful conditions. But the research on happiness and aging shows that the “Grumpy Old Man” narrative is neither accurate nor inevitable. Both men and women don’t have to become grumpy as they age.

But the research on happiness and aging shows that the “Grumpy Old Man” narrative is neither accurate nor inevitable. Both men and women don’t have to become grumpy as they age.

How Not to Be a Grumpy Old Person

If we’re going to avoid becoming grumpy old people, there are several choices we can make that will help us live with greater joy and vigor. Let me begin by saying if you’re struggling with challenges like depression, chronic pain, or serious illness, the best choice you can make right now is to get professional help. This often begins when you get an appointment with your physician to talk about your issues. So, if you’re dealing with serious obstacles to flourishing, I’d urge you to see your doctor as soon as possible. Please don’t put it off.

If you’re doing relatively well when it comes to mental and physical health, there are actions you can take so as to avoid the slide into grumpiness.

First, find healthy ways to deal with the losses of life.

Losses come as we get older, and losses need to be grieved. People grieve differently, but expressing grief is essential for healing. You may do this in a group or on your own. You might talk with a pastor, counselor, or spiritual director. Do whatever is helpful to you but be sure to pay attention to your grief and find ways to express it.

Second, talk honestly with God about the hard things in your life.

In all seasons of life, we experience hard things, but many of these tend to bunch up in the third third. While it’s great to have people with whom to share these difficulties, it’s also wonderful that we have an invitation from God to talk about all that distresses us (Heb 4:15-16).

A passage from Paul’s letter to the Philippians encourages us to “Rejoice in the Lord always.” To this Paul adds, “Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus” (Phil 4:4-7). The preacher in me would like to say all sorts of things about this passage. But, for now, I’ll only add that abiding by Paul’s counsel will surely help us avoid later life grumpiness.

Third, invest in your core relationships.

Loneliness and social isolation are terribly common among older adults. These conditions regularly lead to grumpiness and far worse. A recent report from the Surgeon General pointed out that being socially disconnected is as bad for your health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Yet it’s easy for older adults to become isolated, especially when those we love precede us in death. It is often harder to make new friends when we’re in the third third of life, but new relationships can help us stave off the grumpiness that comes from loneliness and isolation.

It is often harder to make new friends when we’re in the third third of life, but new relationships can help us stave off the grumpiness that comes from loneliness and isolation.

Fourth, choose to be a different kind of GOM.

Yes, you could decide to be a “Grumpy Old Man”, a GOM, or a “Grumpy Old Woman” a GOW. But, then again, you could make an altogether different choice.

Recently I’ve had enlightening correspondence with Jay Gardner, a third thirder who is also an advisor, mentor, teacher, and executive consultant. Jay shared with me his thoughts on the GOM choices we can make. On the one hand, he observes that “the frustrations of modern life, physical aches, and the perception that the world is changing in bewildering ways” can lead us to choose to be grumpy old men and women.

But there is another option, according to Jay. Instead of being a “Grumpy Old Man” sort of GOM, we can choose to be “Grateful and On Mission.” Oh, I do love that! Not only will this version of GOM keep us away from grumpiness, but also it will guide us in the path of flourishing. As I emphasize in the De Pree Center’s Flourishing in the Third Third of Life video course, gratitude is one of the essential keys to thriving in all of life, including the third third. Moreover, being on mission, or you might say living with purpose, is another prerequisite for flourishing. Older adults who nurture gratitude and live with a purpose beyond themselves have a much greater chance of living both longer and better than those who chose the way of old-age grumpiness.

Older adults who nurture gratitude and live with a purpose beyond themselves have a much greater chance of living both longer and better than those who chose the way of old-age grumpiness.

So, are you doomed to become a Grumpy Old Man or a Grumpy Old Woman? No! But not because the third third of life is easy, without pain, struggle, losses, or sorrow. Rather, with God’s help, and in community with your sisters and brothers in Christ, you can set aside grumpiness and pick up a life of gratitude, purpose, and joy.