Mentoring in the Third Third of Life

Those of us in the third third of life have an innate longing to make a difference in the lives of younger generations. This longing, called “generativity” by psychologist Erik Erikson, may be quite familiar to you. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines “generativity” as “a need to nurture and guide younger people and contribute to the next generation.” Do you feel this need? If so, that’s your generativity calling!

Some folks in the third third of life seem to have an easy time finding ways to express their generativity. They get meaningfully involved with younger people in their families, neighborhoods, local schools, or churches. But many third-thirders aren’t quite sure where to invest their time and energy when it comes to living generatively. Some people feel stuck, unsure of what next steps to take.

No matter whether you’re already practicing your generativity or you’re one of those stuck folks, I have something I’d like you to consider: mentoring. Not only does mentoring provide a way for you to express your generativity, but also it can make a huge difference in the life of another person.

No matter whether you’re already practicing your generativity or you’re one of those stuck folks, I have something I’d like you to consider: mentoring.

An Example of Mentoring

I know this to be true when I reflect on those who have mentored me. When I was a young pastor, for example, the Rev. Dr. Lloyd Ogilvie was my mentor. I worked on the staff of the First Presbyterian Church of Hollywood, where Lloyd was the senior pastor. This meant he was the “big boss” under whose authority I worked. But Lloyd took a more personal interest in me, coaching me, listening to me, opening up doors of opportunity for me, and sharing his life with me.

After I left the staff at the Hollywood church, Lloyd continued to encourage me and serve as an exemplary role model. When he finished at Hollywood, he served for eight years as the chaplain of the U.S. Senate. I didn’t see him much during those years. But near the end of his life, Lloyd invited me to lead a retreat for a small group he had formed. Most of these people were in the third third of life. Lloyd’s guidance helped me to lead that retreat well. In fact, that was the first ministry I ever did with an explicit third third focus. My experience leading that retreat was so positive that I began to consider investing more of my work life in the third third area.

So, my primary occupational focus today has everything to do with Lloyd’s mentoring. The man who once mentored me when I was in my 20s continued to be an influential and beloved mentor when I was in my 60s. Nobody outside of my family has had a greater impact on my life than Lloyd Ogilive. Mentoring can truly make a big difference!

Some Mentoring Basics

Mentoring has been central to the work of the De Pree Center since its founding in 1996. Why? Because Max De Pree, whom we honor in our center’s name, was a highly regarded and deeply committed mentor. He once said, “Mentoring has become, for me, one of the chief duties of any leader.”

What is mentoring? De Pree’s Director of Research and Resources Dr. Meryl Herr did extensive research on mentoring. She proposes the following definition: “Mentoring is a relationship in which one person intentionally comes alongside another for the purpose of helping them flourish.” This definition is spot on in that it underscores the relational nature of mentoring. Mentoring isn’t the same as training, teaching, or supervising. It’s not just passing on skills, knowledge, or even wisdom. Rather, mentoring involves a deep relationship, one in which shared experience and mutual learning are key.

Mentoring isn’t the same as training, teaching, or supervising. It’s not just passing on skills, knowledge, or even wisdom. Rather, mentoring involves a deep relationship, one in which shared experience and mutual learning are key.

In my experience as a mentor, I receive many benefits from my mentoring relationships. But, as Meryl notes, the purpose of the relationship is primarily to help the person I’m mentoring flourish. This flourishing, by the way, can relate to a variety of contexts, including work, family, education, volunteering, church, leadership, etc. Usually, mentoring touches several of these contexts, even if its main focus is, for example, on leadership in the workplace.

My First Experience as a Mentor

My first experience of being a mentor began unexpectedly. I was speaking at a week-long family camp. As camp began, several men approached me and asked if I would “mentor” them during the week. I was surprised, partly because I’d never been called a mentor before, and partly because I wasn’t much older than the men who wanted me to mentor them. I had always assumed that a mentor needed to be at least a couple of decades older than a mentee, rather like Mr. Miyagi in the classic film The Karate Kid. I wasn’t sure I had much to offer these men who were only ten years younger than I.

But they convinced me to give it a try. So, we met each morning over coffee. We talked mainly about family (marriage, parenting) and the relationship of family and work. I asked lots of questions and offered some thoughts along the way. I discovered that I did have something to give my mentees, though it’s not as if they were sitting at the feet of some world-class guru. Rather, we entered into a relationship of openness, trust, and discovery. I was free to share my own uncertainties and failures as well as things I had learned about family and work. My mentees seemed to appreciate what I had to offer, mainly the relationship we had together.

After that week of mentoring was over, I felt deeply grateful for the experience. I loved what Meryl Herr describes as the “coming alongside” dimension of mentoring. I wasn’t so much dispensing invaluable wisdom from above as I was walking along with these men through the real challenges of family and work.

I wasn’t so much dispensing invaluable wisdom from above as I was walking along with these men through the real challenges of family and work.

Since that time, I have entered into a variety of mentoring relationships. Some focus on work; some on education; some on family. But all of these relationships are really about life in general. Even when my mentees and I focus on a particular area, we’re doing so with a broad perspective. I want to help my mentees flourish in all of life.

Some Benefits of Mentoring

Mentoring isn’t the same as friendship, though it certainly can be friendly. And, though mutual learning and growth happen through mentoring, the point is the flourishing of the mentee. That should be the primary benefit of mentoring.

Let me add, however, that I get a lot out of my mentoring relationships. For example, I’m mentoring a brilliant business leader who is more than 30 years younger than I am. He runs laps around me when it comes to knowledge of finance and business strategy. I learn from him all the time. But as we walk through life together, I’m able to share some wisdom having to do with family, faith, organizational life, and leadership. I try to help him see himself with greater clarity. What I receive from my mentoring relationships, in addition to lots of learning, is the chance to share life deeply with other people. These relationships give me joy, as does the chance to make a difference in the lives of my mentees, and through them in the lives of many others.

Getting Started as a Mentor

You may very well already be serving as a mentor to someone . . . or perhaps to several “someones.” If so, you understand how mentoring gives expression to your generativity. You experience the joy I just mentioned. But if you aren’t mentoring anyone now, I’d urge you to consider doing so.

If you’re not quite sure how to get started, I’m pleased to point you to an online course developed by my colleague, Meryl, and made available through Fuller Seminary’s Equip platform. Check out the Alongside Mentor Training course, which is suitable for individual learners. This online course was developed primarily to equip and encourage those thinking about becoming mentors. It is based on academic research on mentoring that Meryl did a couple of years ago. (She’s a pro when it comes to research and teaching, by the way.)

I should say that even if you’re an experienced mentor, you may find the Alongside course to be helpful. When I took it a couple of years ago, I learned many things that helped me to be a more effective mentor. By the way, you can find many other resources for mentoring via the De Pree Center website.

Conclusion

I entitled this article “Mentoring in the Third Third of Life.” I should say that mentors don’t need to be as old as this. My first mentor, the junior high director of my church, was in his thirties when he invested significantly in me, an investment which led to my becoming a pastor many years later. But often the most effective mentors are 55 years or more in age. Why? Because those of us in the third third have lots of life experience from which to draw. Along the way, we may have developed wisdom as well.

Plus, older adults tend to be in touch with our generativity. We do indeed feel “a need to nurture and guide younger people and contribute to the next generation.” Thus, we’re eager to invest in younger people both to serve them and to satisfy our desire to make a difference that matters in the world.