Who’s Holding You? Part 2

Scripture — 1 Thessalonians 3:1-2 (NRSV)

Therefore when we could bear it no longer, we decided to be left alone in Athens; and we sent Timothy, our brother and co-worker for God in proclaiming the gospel of Christ, to strengthen and encourage you for the sake of your faith.

Devotion

In yesterday’s Life for Leaders devotion, I began to reflect on a question posed by Ronald Heifetz and Marty Linsky in their book Leadership on the Line. According to these writers, one of the essential functions of adaptive leadership is creating a holding environment. “A holding environment,” they explain, “is a space formed by a network of relationships within which people can tackle tough, sometimes divisive questions without flying apart” (p. 102). Then Heifetz and Linsky become more personal: “Through your own experience, you may indeed have become extraordinarily good at providing a holding environment for people . . . . But who’s holding you; who’s holding the holder? When you are completely exhausted from being the containing vessel, who will provide you with a place to meet your need for intimacy and release?” (pp. 176-177).

Yesterday, I suggested that we find an example of people “holding” fellow leaders in the relationship between the Apostle Paul and Timothy. What Paul says about Timothy, his protégé, strongly suggests that Timothy was able to “hold” Paul as he exercised his apostolic mission, which was, by the way, a formidable example of adaptive leadership.

I also suggested that the question “Who’s holding you?” is quite relevant to the inner work of leadership. Part of our inner work is identifying those who “hold” us. Moreover, their support and wisdom will help us as we seek to do the wise inner work that forms our leadership.

Over the years I have been blessed with a variety of “holders” in my life. Many of these are especially gifted at listening well to me, hearing not just my words but my heart. Sometimes, however, they also help me to see things I have overlooked, things related to my life and leadership.

For example, years ago when I was the pastor of a church, I was attempting to lead adaptive change (though I didn’t know to call it that). At times my efforts were relatively successful. But at other times they stirred up all sorts of opposition and criticism. I remember one time when resistance to my leadership was strong, debilitating, and painful. I began to wonder whether I was in the wrong church or perhaps the wrong line of work altogether. Perhaps I wasn’t cut out to be a pastor. I was doing serious inner work at that time, though my ability to see myself clearly was fogged up by the negativity that surrounded me and invaded my heart.

During this difficult season, a man in the church offered to take me out for coffee. He seemed pleasant enough, so I figured we were going to have a friendly conversation, just catching up on life. I sure needed that!

When we sat down at the coffee place with our beverages, however, we didn’t make small talk. Rather, this man, whom I’ll call Joe, took charge of the conversation.

“Mark,” he said, “I know you’re going through a very difficult time at church. I expect you feel discouraged and alone. I’m sorry about that. I’ll be happy to listen to anything you want to share with me. But, first of all, I’m here to give you a different perspective on things at church and on your leadership. Mostly, I want you to listen to me today.”

I wasn’t sure what to think of what Joe was proposing, but I really didn’t have any choice at that point. So, I invited him to continue.

Joe started, delivering what I sensed to be a carefully prepared speech. He began by pointing to many fine things that were going on in our church and our community through the church. Then he talked about the worship of the church and my preaching, noting things he thought were healthy and strong. Finally, he shared how my pastoral leadership had made a difference in the lives of many people he knew, ending by talking about how I had influenced him in positive ways. He concluded by encouraging me to hang in there and see clearly all the ways God was using me for good in our church.

As I listened to Joe’s speech, I felt a mix of feelings: gratitude, embarrassment, hope, awkwardness, reassurance, and encouragement. Though I had people in my life who “held” me by listening to my struggles and being empathetic, this was the first time I had anyone sit me down to tell me so many good things about the church and my leadership. Joe’s offering was precious to me. It felt like a cup of cool water offered to someone thirsting in the desert. Actually, it felt more like a big canteen of cool water. Joe’s speech did help me see the church and myself from a fresh perspective. My previous inner work had been focused so much on my shortcomings that I had failed to see myself accurately. Yes, my flaws were still real and in need of serious attention. But they weren’t the whole story.

There are many different ways to be “held” by people. Sometimes we need someone like Joe to tell us encouraging things about ourselves. Sometimes we need someone who just listens. Sometimes we need lots of empathy. Sometimes we need to get out and do something fun. Ronald Heifetz and Marty Linsky remind us that leaders of change need places to be “held” by others. The relationship of Paul and Timothy in the New Testament offers a fitting biblical example of “holding,” as we saw in yesterday’s devotion. If we’re going to do wise inner work, we need people in our lives to support us in that effort by offering their listening, kindness, wisdom, and love. And, of course, we need to offer the same to others.

Find all Life for Leaders devotions here. Explore what the Bible has to say about work at the unique website of our partners, the Theology of Work Project’s online commentary. Reflection on today’s Life for Leaders theme can be found here: 2 Timothy: Encouragement for a Faithful Worker.

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