How to Find a Mentor

You’ve decided you want a mentor. But where do you find one?

Perhaps it’s best to consider how mentoring relationships begin. In our research on mentoring, we asked those who had a mentor at the time of the study how their mentoring relationship started. For 7 out of 10 participants, the relationship developed naturally or the mentee initiated it. Ten percent had been matched with their mentor through a mentoring program, and the mentor initiated the relationship in only a handful of cases.

Yet when we asked those who didn’t have a mentor how they’d like a mentoring relationship to begin, about a third hoped that their mentoring relationship would develop naturally. Just under a third wanted to be matched with a mentor, and about a quarter hoped the relationship would be mentor-initiated. Only 1 in 8 preferred initiating the relationship themselves.

I get it. It can be tough to identify a possible mentor and then ask them to commit to mentoring you. What if the person says, “no”? Rejection stings, even when it’s not about you. What if you’ve imagined them to be an amazing mentor and the relationship flops? Asking someone to be your mentor is risky, but the benefits of mentoring can make the risk seem worth it.

Asking someone to be your mentor is risky, but the benefits of mentoring can make the risk seem worth it.

3 Steps for Finding a Mentor

Drawing on a framework from a familiar Scripture passage, I’d like to offer a three-step process for finding a mentor. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said, “‘Ask, and it will be given to you; search, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened for you. For everyone who asks receives, and everyone who searches finds, and for everyone who knocks, the door will be opened’” (Matthew 7:7-8, NRSV). With these words, Jesus encouraged his followers to persist in prayer and their pursuit of God.

New Testament scholar D. A. Carson describes this persistence and perseverance in prayer as key to the Christian life. This sort of commitment strengthens our faith, and in prayer we can ask God to bring about the marks of the kingdom in our lives. We can apply this same sort of persistence in finding a mentor. We can participate in this quest by asking God for help, seeking the types of mentors we need, and knocking on invisible doors that are the gateway to relational connection.

Step 1: Ask

First, we can ask God to help us find a mentor. In our Mentee Guidebook, we state, “We believe God plays a significant role in establishing and shaping our relationships.” So let’s begin our quest to find a mentor with prayer, believing that God understands our needs better than we do. God hears us, and God desires to give us good gifts (Matt 7:9-11).

When I was a young mom, I struggled to figure out how to steward the gifts and resources God had entrusted to me. What did being a good mom, competent professional, and pastor’s wife look like? I recall being desperate for a mentor, for someone to show me how to do it all. I don’t remember praying about it, but I think my attempts to find a mentor were a prayer of sorts.

Looking back, I think God sent me several mentors during that time—one who showed me how to be a good mom, another who showed me how to be a good mom and a competent professional, and one who wrote me a thoughtful letter about having a PhD, small kids, and being married to a pastor.

If you need help asking God for a mentor, perhaps you could make the words of this prayer your own.

God who sees me, You have created me for relationship. Right now I need a mentor–someone to show me the way. Would you please send someone to walk alongside me or open my eyes to those who are already mentoring me in some informal way? Thank you for hearing my prayer. Amen.

Step 2: Seek

Second, we can reflect on what we would like to learn from a mentor, the type of care we’d like to receive from a mentor, and the characteristics we would value in a mentor. Our FREE Mentee Guidebook can help with all of that. As we’re identifying the type of mentor we need, we can start by paying attention to the potential mentors around us.

As we’re identifying the type of mentor we need, we can start by paying attention to the potential mentors around us.

In our research, 40% of those who had a mentor said their mentoring relationship developed naturally. Many of their mentoring relationships emerged out of pre-existing relationships with their pastor or ministry leader, boss or supervisor, professional colleague, or teacher or professor. Potential mentors are likely already in our spheres of influence. They could be at work, church, or the gym. We can ask God to open our eyes to see the possibilities.

• Who in my life lives, works, and leads in a way that I admire? What do I respect about them?
• What am I looking for in a mentor?
• Who do I already know–even if only a little–who might be able to help me?

For many, this can be the most challenging part of the process—asking someone to be your mentor. We learned from our research with seasoned mentors that it’s really awkward for them if they’re a relative stranger and you ask them cold turkey to be your mentor. We’ve also learned that some people are reluctant to be mentors because it feels to them like a big job they’re not equipped to do.

In Super Mentors: The Ordinary Person’s Guide to Asking Extraordinary People for Help, Eric Koester and Adam Saven advise, “Stop using the word, ‘mentor.’” Instead, ask your potential mentor if they would be willing to teach you something, offer guidance, or serve as a sounding board. It could look like this.

• I really admire how you relate to your teenage children. I hope to be that kind of father to my kids. Would you be willing to offer me some guidance?
• I’m new to this team and want to understand the organizational culture so that I can lead well. You’ve been here for over a decade and seem to have a lot of wisdom about how this company operates. Would it be possible to meet with you periodically over the next few months to learn from you?
• I’d like to grow in my ability to close a sale. Bob, Sue, and Trevor mentioned that they use a framework they learned from you. Would you mind teaching me?

Keep Going

Even with prayer, preparation, and a thoughtful petition, a potential mentor might say, “no.” Feeling disappointed in those moments is normal. But we need not be discouraged. We can trust God to meet our needs. We may have to wait. We may have to go through the ask, seek, knock process several times. But we grow in the persistence. We grow in the waiting. And we overflow with gratitude when God brings someone to walk alongside us as our mentor, if only for a little while.