When You're Not Getting the Support You'd Like, Part 2

Scripture — Mark 3:20-21 (NRSV)

Then Jesus entered a house, and again a crowd gathered, so that he and his disciples were not even able to eat. When his family heard about this, they went to take charge of him, for they said, “He is out of his mind.”

Devotion

In yesterday’s Life for Leaders devotion, we focused on the sad response of the family of Jesus to his ministry of proclaiming and enacting the kingdom of God. I shared the story of my friend Brad, whose family has not supported his choice to follow Jesus in his life. I mentioned that I have been blessed with a very encouraging family, something I too easily take for granted.

But I have at times experienced disapproval from people I have considered close colleagues and friends. I have struggled to remain faithful as a leader when people I care about – and who seemed to care about me – became critical, not only of my work, but also of me personally.

When I was the pastor of Irvine Presbyterian Church, my congregation and I had a clear sense of mission to reach out to our neighbors with the love and truth of Christ. As a result, the church grew in size as well as maturity. I felt pleased about how God was working among us and sensed that the congregation did as well.

But, in my fourteenth of sixteen years at Irvine Pres, I began to receive intense criticism from some members of the church. Numbered among these members were people I had considered friends and valued partners in ministry. Several of my critics were elders with whom I had worked closely and prayed deeply for years. Their criticism took a quite personal turn, focusing on me and my inadequacies as a pastor. But what they were really most unhappy about was the changing of the church from a small, intimate community to one that was larger and growing. One of my strongest critics said in a meeting, “I want to be able to stop by the church at any time and know that my pastor is able to see me.” The fact that I had a staff to manage, sermons to prepare, and scores of people to meet didn’t seem to count. This person wanted me to be available right away whenever he needed me, without an appointment or even calling ahead. It was as if he imagined me sitting around in my office just waiting for him to show up.

I was not used to such sustained and personal criticism, especially from people who were close to me. It hurt. I wondered if I had been steering the church in the wrong direction. I felt uncertain, insecure, and sad. But, as I talked with many church leaders, I was reassured that the mission we had been given was right. This meant our church would grow and that, in some ways, I would therefore be less readily available to every individual member. So, though I struggled with the disapproval of people who mattered to me, I nevertheless kept our church on course. In time, several of these people chose to leave the church, which was both sad and, honestly, a relief.

I wish I had had access to Tod Bolsinger’s book, Canoeing the Mountains, when I was going through my ordeal. Unfortunately, it wouldn’t be published until ten years later. In this book, Tod explains that resistance to culture-changing leadership is to be expected. People will be unhappy because of what they have lost. (In the case of my critics, they lost a sense of intimacy that came with being in a smaller church and the assurance that their pastor was immediately available to them at all times.) Leaders should expect the kind of resistance I experienced at Irvine Pres. Tod offers lots of wisdom that would have been helpful to me at the time. But, perhaps most importantly, he affirms what I determined I should do. Tod writes, “The leader in the system is committed to the mission when no one else is” (p. 131). He explains that, for the leader, the mission always prevails, even when this means disappointing people. As we see in the Gospel of Mark, Jesus continued on in his kingdom-focused mission even when his family thought he was out of his mind.

P.S. Sometimes stories of church conflict do not have happy endings. As I mentioned above, several of my critics at Irvine Presbyterian Church left the church, which was not what I had hoped, worked, and prayed for. But that’s not the end of the story.

Recently, I ran into someone at a memorial service who had been quite unhappy with me as a pastor. I figured that the last twenty years might have lessened his animosity, so I greeted him warmly and expectantly. What I received in response was the iciest look I’ve seen in ages. Ouch! Obviously, he’s still unhappy with me, which makes me sad.

Sometimes things turn out better. A few years after the episode where several people left the church in anger, I ran into one of my harshest critics outside of a restaurant. I wondered if she would even acknowledge me. But she did, happily and enthusiastically, as if nothing difficult had ever passed between us. She asked about my life, and I asked about hers. She said several complimentary things about me. Though she didn’t apologize directly, I could tell that she was trying to mend the rift between us. I was grateful.

Sometime thereafter, when I was a guest preacher at a church, I ran into another of my toughest critics. This person, when leaving the church, said he was going because “You are not a loving person.” So when I saw him in the congregation of the church where I was preaching, I thought, “Oh my, this is awkward.” After the worship service, he seemed to be lingering near the front. So I figured it was time for a “second mile walk.” I went over to him and greeted him with as much warmth as I could muster. He seemed surprised and glad. We made small talk for a couple of minutes, just catching up on life. Then he said, “There is something I really need to talk with you about. I need to say I’m sorry . . . .” Then he stopped, adding, “Oh, this really isn’t the place for that conversation.” I agreed and said I’d be glad to talk any time. So far, this hasn’t happened. I hope it does. But even now, I feel certain that our relationship has begun to be healed.

So, by God’s grace, sometimes reconciliation happens, which is indeed sweet. But it doesn’t always happen. Nevertheless, God’s grace sustains us and gives us hope that one day, our hearts will be healed, our divisions mended, and our love for one another will be like God’s unfailing love for us.

Find all Life for Leaders devotions here. Explore what the Bible has to say about work at the High Calling archive, hosted by the unique website of our partners, the Theology of Work Project. Reflection on today’s Life for Leaders theme can be found here: Reconciliation!.